U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He told me they were just razor bumps!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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