Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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