someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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