You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
