Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
