I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
is that a dick in a sweater?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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