Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
