My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I am one with the molecules
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
