if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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