Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I need to calm my uterus...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize