ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
