Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
