You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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