If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
