I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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