I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
