they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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