My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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