$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
