I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's never too late to be topless.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize