Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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