so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
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