He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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