Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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