yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
