yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
