I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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