I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize