i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
