i think i have two assholes
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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