If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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