every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize