Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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