I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
