my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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