I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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