Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
