I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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