It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Sorry my hands just texted you
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
