My ATM looks so different sober.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
