just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
