Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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