I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
