We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I think I just sharted jello shots
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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