At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
