I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
