remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
