Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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