Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Randomize
