he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
