Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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