so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
