My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She's the barista slut.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
