I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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