like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
