Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize