Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
