there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
