when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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