Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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