im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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