the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
